First Dr. Appointment

My first ob appointment was a few days after the positive pregnancy test.  All I could think about was the anesthesia from surgery as well as the trough of meds I was taking afterwards and how this would affect my baby.  My mind whirled with all of the toxic effects.  It didn't help that I had already completed my ob rotation and pharmacology courses, so I knew exactly what could happen... plus my imagination added a little to it.  I was also in a bit of denial.  I thought I would go to the doctor and somehow she would say "no, you're not pregnant."  It didn't happen.  They of course did a pregnancy test (positive), she performed a lovely pap smear, and basically just talked to me and sent me home.  From the time frame, she did not believe the embryo was implanted during surgery so it did not receive any of my toxin filled blood.  She examined the list of meds I gave her that I had been taking post surgery and she didn't see anything alarming.  She said there was a little risk, as there is with practically any medication.  She was not worried. I left the doctor's office feeling like she was "full of it", even though I knew exactly what she was saying to be true.  I tried to tell myself, since the 1st trimester is so critical in life development, if the drugs were too much for the baby it would naturally abort itself.  I thought to myself "how could this baby NOT have been affected." 
Honestly, I was upset.  I never wanted to enter into pregnancy this way.  I had this dream vision in my head of being healthy, on no meds, and active during the 9 months.  I just never wanted it to be this way.  I never wanted to feel like I, the baby's own mother, might have done something to harm it.  For anyone who knew me, they knew I was my absolute worst critic, hardest on myself, expected more from myself than anyone else, always wanted more, and this was not new to pregnancy.  To think of my child being born with an illness or disease because of what I did.... I couldn't live with myself.  I have never prayed so hard in my life.  I didn't pray for God to save/heal/protect my baby.  I prayed for the right thing to happen, whatever that may be.